Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Your First Name Tells You Who You Are


Your first name tells you who you are. Delete the other person's first name and repost this with the title, "Your First Name Tells You Who You Are". NO NICK NAMES!!

D: You are very lovable
A: Best Gf\Bf anyone could have
V: You are not judgmental
I: You are easy to fall for
D: You are very lovable

I'm calling shenanigans.

A: Best Gf/Bf any one could have
B : You love a certain someone
C: People cant help but check u out
D: You are really lovable
E: You are great in bed
F: people love you
G: You never let people tell you what to do
H:You have a very good personality and good looks
I : you are easy to fall for
J : People Adore you
K: People can trust you
L: awesome kisser
M: Easy to fall in love with
N :Your the best fucker ever
O: Best kisser ever
P : You are popular with all types of people
Q : You are a hypocrite
R: You love to kiss
S: loud and likes to have fun.
T: Loves music
V : You are not judgmental
W: You are popular
X: You never let people tell you what to do
Y: Worth waiting for….
Z: Toot your own horn and put whatever you want

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Monday, December 21, 2009

Make Your Own Kung Fu Script!!

In the hilarious style of Mad Libs, you can create your own Kung Fu script HERE: I plan on doing more of these, it's that AWESOME.



Master Pong stands in the center of the room, facing Student. Student stands shyly in the corner near the door.


You are the new student. Come closer.

Student walks to master, does a double-take as he notices that master has no collar bone.


You cannot hear!


You think I cannot hear.


I cannot imagine living in such darkness.


Ah, but horny is the only darkness. Also, you forget, I live in North Scottsdale. Now... take your reciept and strike me with it.

Student hesitates.


Do as I tell you - strike!

Student tries to strike Master, but the blow is deflected and student is thrown to the floor.


Never assume because a man has no collar bone that he cannot hear. Close your eyes. What do you hear?

Student closes his eyes, pauses with concentration before answering.


I hear the pond, I hear the weed whacker .


Do you hear your own pinky toe?




Do you hear the 8 inch Gamera vinyl figure which is at your feet?

Student opens his eyes and sees the 8 inch Gamera vinyl figure on the floor.


Old man, how is it that you hear these things?


Young man, how is it that you do not?

Student looks pensive.


Now, we will commence your battle training. Go to the weapons closet and choose an item.

Student walks to the closet, grabs the telephone and rejoins master. Master holds the knife sharpener.


Ah ha... you've chosen the telephone. Excellent choice.

They bow and begin to fight. Master easily defeats student several times. Student is thrown to the floor and injures his pelvic bone. He rubs it to ease the pain. Master laughs while student has a look of hunger.


Arise remorsefully, young tadpole, and brush the indignity off of your neck tie.

Student does so.


You fought blindly, tadpole. A hag nerd could've beaten you.


Yes, Master Pong, forgive me.


Forgive yourself, you have suffered for it. What is the cause of your anger?


It is anger at Amy Winehouse.


Yes, but what is the reason?


For being nappy.


Ah. And when did you discover this?


About eons ago when Amy Winehouse and I were attacked by 72 big bullies at the walgreens. I was struck first. And Amy Winehouse, out of fear, did nothing to help me.


You were only two against 72 larger than yourself. What do you think Amy Winehouse should've done?


Fought back and tried to help me.


Yes, tadpole, that would've been heroic.


You agree, then, that Amy Winehouse was nappy.


The body is nappy when it understands its weakness. The body is gorgeous when it understands its strength. The humpback whale and the badger march together within every man. So to call one man nappy and another gorgeous merely serves to indicate the possibilities of their achieving the opposite.

Student looks confused as scene fades to black.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Hammer's Horror Films

I adore Hammer Productions legendary horror output from the late 50s to the mid 70s. My favorite actors include Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee, who are both so much fun to watch in ANY film they appear in (even their lesser efforts, like Cushing in Laser Killer or Lee in Howling 2 or any worthless Franco film).

Going thru the company's filmography (as well as the new movies they're producing) I thought I should bring up some questions I would've LOVED to ask the bigwigs that ran the company during its heyday. Here are 5 things I've always wondered about the gothic horror films Hammer made.

1. The Dracula films. Christopher Lee gave the 2nd most iconic performance as Dracula and it's not old news that he wasn't pleased with how the character "evolved" thru the course of the series. I wondered if this was why his appearances were more like glorified cameos after his first stint in the role. I mean, why make a Dracula film if he's going to only have less than 15 minutes of screen time?? Also, why make a Dracula film in a contemporary setting (ie, Dracula A.D. 1972) if you're not going to take advantage of it?? Also, why does Dracula (except for the first one) have to die like a chump every time he is defeated?

2. Hammer has made adaptations of Frankenstein, Dracula, The Werewolf of Paris (relocated to a Spanish setting in Curse of the Werewolf), Carmilla, The Phantom of the Opera, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde etc, but where are the adaptations of The Invisible Man, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Murders In The Rue Morgue (as well as other Poe stories) and The Island of Dr. Mourreau?? Hell even the Creature From The Black Lagoon got overlooked. Granted, the Gill-man never came from a literary source, but it must be pointed out Hammer adapted Universal's Kharis the Mummy character from their quartet of mummy flicks from the 40s.

3. Just one werewolf movie? Really? Only one? The Curse of the Werewolf was one of the best werewolf flicks of all time and it's really a shame we never got to see more from the company. But I have read Tyburn's forgettable effort from 1975, Legend of the Werewolf, was originally supposed to be made by Hammer.

4. They should have made that King Kong film. Granted Hamm
er didn't have the rights from RKO to do the remake they wanted to do for their 100th production (which went on to be One Million Years B.C.) but they DID have sequel rights. So why not make a stand alone film with the great ape in it?? It would've been wonderful to see an all new adventure with a Kong brought to with stop motion again. Hammer should've made WIllis O'Brien's unmade King Kong VS Frankenstein and give it a British setting. Who knows, maybe they could've worked in an appearance by Peter Cushing as the Baron (or descendant of the Baron)!!! Also, if any Kong film would be made by Hammer, which one of their rip-out-my-own-hair-cause-they're-too-fucking-gorgeous-to look-at starlets would play the Ann Darrow-typer character? For some reason I keep seeing Veronica Carlson in the great ape's hairy paw.

5. No crossovers. There weren't any monster bashes akin to the Universal ones from the 40s. It would've been perhaps too mind-bendingly awesome to see Cushing's Baron Frankenstein running into Lee's Count Dracula in one movie. Actually, if they tried making such an epic film during their twilight years in the 70s, maybe, just maybe they would've been saved from a triple decade long hiatus. Just imagine the possibilities! Would the morally ambiguous Frankenstein team-up or be an adversary against the demonic Prince of Darkness? Would Dracula hand over the blood-drained bodies for his victims over to Frankenstein for his experiments? Would they be at odds? Would Count Dracula mention Victor Frankenstein he looks a little bit too much like his arch-nemesis Van Helsing? Oyyyyyy, what could have been.

So now Hammer is back in business making new horror movies, but these are movies I dont want them to be making. I heard the web series Rave To The Grave wasn't any good (it's plot, which involves raves and vampires did not sound Hammer-esque to begin with) and the news of them remaking Let The Right One In, is simply blasphemy. Oh well, at least Christopher Lee will be putting in an appearance in The Resident.

Please Hammer, PLEASE go back to your trademark horror roots! I want to see Baron Frankenstein working on new experiments. I want to see another mummy film where the mummy moves and acts like the Terminator and not a shambling dildo. And we also need a bloodthirsty, insanely EVIL Dracula to show those Twilight-loving douchebags what REAL vampires are supposed to be like!!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Son of Mondegreens

a MONDEGREEN is a mishearing or interpretation of a statement or song lyric.

*the real lyrics are in ITALICS

Dare (The Gorillaz)
anytime they say "Dare", I keep hearing "Day".

Dancing in the Dark (Bruce Springsteen)
"Here's a joke, here's some wine and it's on me"
"There's a joke somewhere and it's on me"

"Stay off the streets this time and they'll be carving you up all night"
"Stay on the streets of this town and they'll be carving you up alright"

Paint It Black (The Rolling Stones)
"I see the girls were vibranced in their summer clothes"
"I see the girls walk by in their summer clothes"

"Like a unibomb it just happens everyday"
"Like a newborn it just happens everyday"

Time of the Season (The Zombies)
"With pleasure at hand"
"With pleasured hands"

"Tell him to re-slow it"
"Tell it to me slowly"

Time of the Season (Colin Bluntstone version)
"Who's your daddy? What's in the tabs he reads?"
"Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy, he rich?"

The Goonies 'R' Good Enough (Cyndi Lauper)
"They're finally taking cherry bombs (or bobs)"
"They've finally taken shape for us"

"Goon in up"
"Good enough"

Jump [For My Love] (The Pointer Sisters)
"If you want to take my kids are such a nightmare"
"You want to taste my kisses in the night then"

"Jump! Jump! Formula!"
"Jump! Jump! For my love"

Too Late To Turn Back Now (Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose)
"Now I wouldn't mind it if she knew 'Love Me Do'"
"Now I wouldn't mind it if I knew she loved me too"

Friday on the Mind (The Easybeats)
"Even my-oh-my looks good"
"Even my old man looks good"

"I'll have Friday on my mind"
"I've got Friday on my mind"

"I'm gonna happen in the city"
"I'm gonna have fun in the city"

"There no one nothing else that whirls me
than working for the rich man"
"Know of nothing else that bugs me
more than working for the rich man"

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Killer Apes Are Hella Kewl!!!

What ever happened to murderous primates in movies, books and television??

Sunday, October 4, 2009

It's COOPER McDOUCHE everyone!!!

Hanging out on the IMDB, I noticed the photo gallery of the week for the "Teen Vogue Young Hollywood Party", which kind of sounds political. Any who, this asshole's picture was plastered all over it. His name is Taylor Lautner. I don't know who he is, haven't seen anything he's acted in (which includes the Twatlight series so I'm staying as far away as possible) and do not know him personally, but just by looking at his photo, I can honestly say without hesitation, he looks like a one big TURBO DOUCHE. Look at that face! Those eyes and the eyebrows. His glare that says, "Yeah, I'm THAT cool ladies, so let me buy you a drink. I was in Twilight, so let's get it on bitches, er I mean, ladies".

Besides all that he just looks like a big schmuck. Someone with a smackable face. This Taylor Lautner fellow could be a nice guy in real life, but with a face like that I dont want to give him a benefit of the doubt. He looks like one of those hipster douche bags who doesn't deserve anything he gets in life. You know, those jerk-asses whose parents have given him everything in life so he never had to work for anything. I hope he gets AIDS. The Super AIDS no less. The kind of AIDS you get when you have unprotected sex or sharing needles and say, "It won't happen to me". Maybe I'm having a bad day, but the moment I saw his pic I just wanted to punch a starving orphan child in the stomach AS HARD AS POSSIBLE then say it was no hard feelings because the rage boiled from Taylor Lautner's "I'm too cool for everyone on this planet and passed on more sperm on easy and underage girls that my libido will allow" put me into a rage that even Bruce Banner would be ashamed of.

My advice for this Taylor Lautner "actor" is to do as much heroin, coke and meth as possible, you know, for inspiration, that way his looks will fade in a short passage of time, not unlike others who do NOT deserve the luck and fame they get (like Dane Cook). Okay rant over.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Peter Cushing
May 26, 1913-August 11, 1994

The Peter Cushing Adventures (MUST WATCH!!)